I Believed That I Identified As a Homosexual Woman - David Bowie Made Me Realize the Truth

In 2011, several years before the renowned David Bowie exhibition launched at the renowned Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I came out as a homosexual woman. Previously, I had exclusively dated men, with one partner I had entered matrimony with. After a couple of years, I found myself in my early 40s, a freshly divorced parent to four children, residing in the United States.

At that time, I had started questioning both my sense of self and sexual orientation, seeking out answers.

My birthplace was England during the beginning of the seventies - prior to digital connectivity. As teenagers, my peers and I were without Reddit or YouTube to turn to when we had questions about sex; rather, we sought guidance from music icons, and during the 80s, musicians were experimenting with gender norms.

Annie Lennox donned boys' clothes, The flamboyant singer adopted feminine outfits, and bands such as popular ensembles featured artists who were proudly homosexual.

I wanted his slender frame and defined hairstyle, his defined jawline and masculine torso. I sought to become the Berlin-era Bowie

During the nineties, I spent my time riding a motorbike and dressing like a tomboy, but I went back to femininity when I chose to get married. My spouse relocated us to the America in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an irresistible pull back towards the male identity I had previously abandoned.

Given that no one challenged norms to the extent of David Bowie, I chose to spend a free afternoon during a warm-weather journey returning to England at the V&A, anticipating that maybe he could provide clarity.

I didn't know exactly what I was searching for when I stepped inside the show - maybe I thought that by losing myself in the richness of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, as a result, encounter a insight into my own identity.

Before long I was standing in front of a compact monitor where the music video for "the iconic song" was continuously looping. Bowie was performing confidently in the foreground, looking stylish in a dark grey suit, while off to one side three backing singers in feminine attire clustered near a microphone.

In contrast to the entertainers I had encountered in real life, these ladies didn't glide around the stage with the poise of inherent stars; conversely they looked bored and annoyed. Placed in secondary positions, they were chewing and rolled their eyes at the boredom of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, appearing ignorant to their lack of enthusiasm. I felt a momentary pang of understanding for the supporting artists, with their heavy makeup, uncomfortable wigs and restrictive outfits.

They gave the impression of as uncomfortable as I did in feminine attire - annoyed and restless, as if they were hoping for it all to be over. At the moment when I understood I connected with three individuals presenting as female, one of them tore off her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Revelation. (Of course, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I was absolutely sure that I wanted to shed all constraints and become Bowie too. I desired his lean physique and his defined hairstyle, his angular jaw and his flat chest; I sought to become the slim-silhouetted, artist's Berlin phase. Nevertheless I was unable to, because to truly become Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Coming out as gay was one thing, but transitioning was a significantly scarier outlook.

It took me several more years before I was prepared. During that period, I made every effort to adopt male characteristics: I stopped wearing makeup and eliminated all my feminine garments, trimmed my tresses and began donning masculine outfits.

I sat differently, walked differently, and modified my personal references, but I paused at surgical procedures - the possibility of rejection and remorse had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

Once the David Bowie show concluded its international run with a stint in the American metropolis, five years later, I revisited. I had arrived at a crisis. I was unable to continue acting to be a person I wasn't.

Facing the same video in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the challenge didn't involve my attire, it was my biological self. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been presenting artificially since birth. I aimed to transition into the man in the sharp suit, performing under lights, and at that moment I understood that I could.

I made arrangements to see a medical professional not long after. I needed further time before my transformation concluded, but none of the fears I feared materialized.

I still have many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a queer man, but I'm comfortable with that outcome. I sought the ability to experiment with identity following Bowie's example - and since I'm comfortable in my body, I have that capacity.